Trust

"Our worry is often due to physical causes. Overwork always makes a sensitive spirit worry and hurry, which in turn overworks our nerves, until we see things in a distorted manner. It is a vicious circle, because worry usually makes us keep working harder, until we finally drop from exhaustion-physical and mental. At that point, we go to God for help, but we have already begun to listen to the devil, so we go to God with a sense of inferiority, which is the devil's message! Some years ago, I had a very difficult problem and did not see the answer. I talked it over witha good friend. We looked at each other, and on both of our faces there was  an expression of defeat. Suddenly my friend stood up. She hit the table with her hand and said, "do we really think that the enormous power that caused Jesus to come out of the grave is not enought for our problem?" Then I saw the smallness of my faith. Yes, the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead is willing to work in you. But if we want to be victorious over our fears through Jesus' victory and strength, we  must also be obedient. It was Jesus' obedience that defeated the enemy at every turn, until the climaz of Calvary was reached."

-Corrie ten Boom

"the stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. everyone who falls on the stone will be broken to pieces, and when it falls on anyone, it will crush him." Luke 20:17-18

What I love about the homeless is they don't try to hide their need... They don't pretend to have themselves together. Something happens to arrogance when you have to beg strangers for food. Is poverty so powerful that it can break people into pieces? Powerful enough to bring someone to rely on charity for survival.

What I love about the homeless is more than their honesty over their economic circumstance. Because it runs deeper, its their poverty struck spirit, its their great familiarity with need. When I looked into the eyes of a man living on the streets I saw something that I'd never seen before within my commutable walls built of safe christians... A poor spirit... I looked in his eyes and felt shame. I still feel the shame. 

I don't know why exactly, except that the same raw need in the homeless' soul I see again and again as I read the bible. Its the same need that sparks a faith in something greater than oneself... its the need that drives a hope for something better. And its this poverty or spirit, this raw reality of my own need that I lack. I find myself unable to let myself be broken into pieces for the sake of surrendering to someone who is greater than I.

 So I find myself here... my toes dangling over the edge of a cliff... holding fast to hope, and uncertain what to do... whether to stay where I can be safe and confident about what I stand on... or jump and pray that I didn't misunderstand... that he will catch me somewhere between when I realize I can't fly and before I hit the ground... What I love about the homeless is they don't try to hide their need.              

Currently Brother, Sister By mewithoutYou see related

hm, it feels like a slow day. waking up was really nice, it was one of those time were I could just lay in my bed and not have to worry about getting up so soon.

I have been reading a book called "Envy" by Bob Sorge. He has written a bunch of really good books, one that is incredible is called "Dealing with the Rejection and Praise of man" but anyway, he doesn't do much dancing around his subjects at all. And I like that.

I have been reading his book called "Envy", and lets just say that its a bit convicting. I'm still in the first chapter, and its compelled me to do something about the hidden envy, and even selfish ambition in my own heart. I see it now, in myself. I guess that is the first step. And I've confessed it, which is a step towards victory. but still its not the best feeling when I have to honestly look into myself. I don't like what I see. I don't like what I see because its not perfect. but I guess I have to learn to love truth. I don't want to be deceived, and often it is so easy for me to deceive myself into believing different things... The most common is that "I have everything under control", the idea that I don't need help from anyone but can handle life by myself. This usually ends with me being overwhelmed, frustrated and running to the Father because I realize how much I need him. 

The second lie I get tripped up on often is that by doing certain things like reading my bible often, praying when I should, and being with Him. That I some how become "more spiritual" than people around me, and deserve the blessings I have, because of my own righteousness. Its stops being about what God can do or who he is. And I become self absorbed in what I can do, and who I am. This is usually when I become really prideful in my own self-righteousness, and arrogant. Then typically the holy spirit will convict, God will draw away from me. I become miserable, full of self-pitty. And irritable at those around me who snap back because they didn't do anything wrong. But almost always its Gods kindness that brings me back to him in repentance. His kindness that gets through my defenses, because by this time God has become the enemy, as I try and ignore the conviction in my own heart, while I pretend to be justified in my actions.

The third one is that I am the victim. Its the pitiful feeling I except when there is loneliness, disappointment or hurt. often the result is bitterness, and self-pitty. I choose to close myself off from friends, family and keep my heart locked up tight far away inside myself. Spending most time by myself nursing my "wounds" with grief. This usually doesn't last all that long because I end up forgetting what I am so miserable over or someone just tell's me like it is and I realize how childish my sulking is. : )      

Sometimes I'm afraid to do soul searching because of what I'll find. Or what I'll find will be to much for me to handle. But I know that God doesn't give a spirit of fear, and that he will never give me more than I'm able to handle well, no that has to do with temptation... maybe he will give me more than I can handle just so that I"ll always know I need him and know my own weakness.